


butterflies

by CoralFlowerDaylight (CoralFlower)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, F/M, John Laurens POV, M/M, Second person POV, eliza isnt demonised, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-08 20:01:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8858878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoralFlower/pseuds/CoralFlowerDaylight
Summary: Looking at him, and how happy he is, hurts. It’s like holding yourself underwater. It’s like standing still for someone to throw a punch. Like sitting right close to the campfire while the wind blows smoke into your eyes, except if that were it, you’d have an excuse for your tears.





	1. Chapter 1

Looking at him, and how happy he is, hurts. It’s like holding yourself underwater. It’s like standing still for someone to throw a punch. Like sitting right close to the campfire while the wind blows smoke into your eyes, except if that were it, you’d have an excuse for your tears. 

Looking away when he makes eye contact with you makes your cheeks burn. His face is so alive and his eyes burn with joy. He is happy without you. It hurts. You want to punch him, just so it’ll feel like you’re doing something.

Two years, and yesterday it ended. He handed you a note as you were walking to your bus. It was only one sheet of paper. 

Now you watch him across the cafeteria, steal little glances as he holds hands with a girl, God, you want to go to her and tell her,

_His favourite colour is green. Not lime green or forest green, that deep green that seems to glow with excitement. He likes shitty pop music, and can’t get over Imagine Dragons or Owl City. His favourite candy is Three Musketeers, and he likes Skittles too. And dark chocolate. He likes the movie Treasure Planet, and will tell you all about movies he wants to watch with you and then never watch them with you. He will get you into fandom and pout if you end up on the opposite side from him in shipping wars. He has the quick wit for tumblr posts, and many things he says are, in fact, easily mistaken for tumblr posts. He’s also definitely a furry, don’t listen to his denial._

He catches you looking at him again and Eliza notices, and you hide your face behind your backpack. A few moments later you are poked on the shoulder.

“Hello.”

It’s Eliza, smiling at you like she knows, because she does. You don’t say anything back; the acknowledgement is plain on your face.

Just when you had dared to start thinking of you and Al as a constant. Just when you made up your mind you would leave behind your family for him. Just when you had started to gain confidence that your relationship could stand a couple weeks of no contact.

“You’re John Laurens.”

You nod.

“He still talks about you. ‘John always said,’ ‘John liked that,’ ‘If John saw this--’”

“It’s only been a day, give it time.”

Your voice is rough.

“That’s it. I’m declaring myself your friend. Let’s study AP Bio in the library sometime, Alex never studies.”

“I know.”

“Friday, right after school.”

“Whatever.”

“I’ll hunt you down if you don’t show up.”

“Eliza? Oh. John. H-hi.”

Did Alexander just stutter? Did Alexander “please understand, this hurts me too” Hamilton just fucking stutter when he realised it was you like this is hurting him even a fraction of the amount it hurts you?

“How’s life, Alexander?”

“Oh, um. Good. You?”

“You suck at this, I’m letting you off the hook. You don’t have to talk to me.”

“John--”

“Don’t even fucking push it, Alex. Allow me to convince you by actions rather than words that I don’t want to talk to you.”

“I-- John--” his face is very obviously hurt, because you haven't hurt him enough that he had to push it down under and not feel it. Good. You don't want to hurt him that much. You didn't use his words against him to destroy him, you did it to make him think. And he's thinking. 

“Alexander Hamilton. She better be worth it. No offense, Eliza.”

Eliza nods, and leads Hamilton away. You feel alone and cold and worthless. It’s shitty. 

It’s really shitty.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning to continue this, because I wanted to leave it without closure. At the time I wrote chapter one, I didn't feel okay enough to consider that things would get better, but I'm better now, so I wrote this. It's still sad though.

Life continues. It's been three full days since he broke up with you on Tuesday, which makes it a Friday. And life continues. 

You've been avoiding him. You feel guilty for that even though he said he would understand. 

Two years, and he ended it the day after Halloween, on the anniversary of both your first kiss and (the next year) the first time the two of you succeeded in making out without having to stop to giggle. His note was written in red pen and folded into quarters, with "For John" written on the outer face of it. There was no heart by your name, and that was how you knew something was wrong. 

God, he broke up with you in red pen, like you're his fucking english essay, like he wanted to point out all your flaws-- except that isn't exactly accurate, because he's unfairly good at English and has never seen a B in his life, or any words other than "nice insight" or "good reasoning" written in red pen. 

But that just turns your analogy into something worse. Like you're an English essay. Not even his, because he doesn't need you. 

Red pen; you're on the opposite side of the colour wheel from his favourite.

That's all you're thinking as you stare into space in the library. Fuck, what are you doing, meeting up with his new girlfriend, it's like you want to be hurt. You should just leave before she gets here. 

But Eliza is so nice, is the thing. You don't want to hurt her feelings, and you can see why he likes her. That's a painful thing. You see it, you see how she's better for him, how she completes him. 

"Hi, John."

You flinch, and she sits down across from you and drops a library copy of the Bio textbook unceremoniously onto the table. 

"Hi."

You sound pathetic, even to yourself. 

"Get excited, it's enzyme time. Woohoo!"

She actually sounds enthusiastic. You sigh wistfully as she flips to the back of the book, presumably for the index, and spends a full two minutes looking up "enzyme" and writing down the pages it appears on. 

"Why not just use the table of contents?" you ask, after she's about halfway through her list of page numbers. She pauses, and then looks up at you with a totally flabbergasted look on her face. 

"Duh!" she says, throwing her hands up, and you can't help chuckling as you turn the book around to your side of the table and find the start of the section on enzymes within thirty seconds. 

The two of you begin to study. Eliza turns her phone off without looking at it a few minutes in, after it keeps buzzing. 

"Probably just the group chat," she assures you. You nod, and ask,

"Can I give you some advice?"

"Sure."

"He hates talking about feelings, and is always at least fifty percent in denial, so make him promise to end it if he stops feeling in love and it doesn't change for like a week."

Eliza nods, and before she can say anything else in response, you say,

"Also do you understand the whole thing about the allosteric site at all?"

He sure did choose a tactful new girlfriend, because Eliza doesn't comment on your clumsy subject change, and just lets you decide how much you are ready to talk about. You appreciate that. 

The two of you study in peace for another ten minutes, and then Alex comes in, spots Eliza, calls her name, and rushes over to the table in relief. 

"Eliza! There you are, I was going to wait by your bus and surprise you with chocolate but--"

You can tell the exact moment he notices you, because he stutters over his words and doesn't recover until the end of his sentence. You move to start gathering up your stuff, and then remember you put it in your car before coming here. Good, that just makes it easier. 

"...I didn't see you and the busses, they, um, they left and you didn't answer my texts so..."

You get up and start walking out as he talks, and right as you turn the corner away from the library, Eliza calls out after you, and you break into a jog. They don't pursue you. 

It's cold out, and when you get to your car, you stagger to lean against the driver's side window, and cry for a few minutes before you move again. The parking lot is pretty empty already, so you probably don't have to worry about being embarrassed. You don't get into your car yet, instead letting the chilly wind bite at the tips of your fingers until you can't feel them. 

You unlock your car with some difficulty and climb in. You start the car and shift into reverse before it hits you that you probably shouldn't drive right now, because you are probably dissociating. Okay. 

You climb into the backseat and curl up in a ball, letting your eyes slip shut so you can pretend it's all happening to someone else. And that is how you stay for an uncertain amount of time, when your phone rings. 

It's someone with the wrong number, but you're paying attention to life now, and it's getting dark out. You still don't feel up to driving, so you call up Lafayette and ask him to give you a ride. You'll have to wake up early enough to catch the bus on Monday, but it's been drilled into you over the years that that's better than ending up in the hospital from a car crash. For the first time in your life, you are starting to question which one would really be worse.

**Author's Note:**

> please comment if you liked it


End file.
